Love Comes, but not always the right way
by emzypemzy
Summary: Angsty and sad in parts M/G fic, with a lot of sad Morgan and many song lyrics flung in there for emphasis. She's with Lynch, he can't take it any more, just where's he going to go and what'll she do about it?
1. Chapter 1

_Part One ~ Morgan_

**Oh baby you're too pure**

Every time you walk into the room you're like an angel, like a heavenly angel sent to take my breath away. And you do, every single time.

**You're too pure for this wicked world**

The world is full of evil, and most of it you have seen, but you shouldn't have to see it, to know it's there, You're a princess Angel and you should be anywhere but here.

**Your data's uncorrupted**

So perfectly pure, although your flirting is often less so, but your smile, your laugh, your charm, none of that has been altered by the horrors you see, you are still you, still perfect and as wonderfully happy as ever,

**But does something skip inside you?**

But sometimes I see that little glitch, that beautiful glitch that shows me you are just like me, that I am not the only one here suffering, struggling against the sea of evil and the limitless horrors.

**That's what takes up time in this life**

I realised I spend most of my day at the office watching you, talking to you, laughing with you, trying to figure you out. Trying to get behind those walls you have and let you past mine too.

**Add up the sum of the slights and Sooner or later Love comes inside you, gets behind youTakes you under it's wing**

It's the brushing of my hand on your lower back, the tighter than usual hugs, the glances that stretch on longer than is deemed appropriate and the way I catch myself looking at you sometimes, surely you must have noticed.

Every little thing about you is so you, so loveable and I found myself sweeped off my feet by a woman who had no idea of her magnificent power over me.

**Is it some kind of function? A reconstruction of what you've always been?**

How come I am just getting swept away now? I was fine with friendship until not so long ago, now all I think about goes back to you. It was when Lynch came a switch seemed to flick, and here I am lusting over a woman who I can't have. You have tampered with the wiring in my head and it's never going to go back, and I really don't want it to.

**Sense memory, that's so passe Is that what passes for vision these days?**

All I seem to have are memories of that gorgeous smile, that dirty laugh, those beautiful eyes. We don't just hang out anymore and I miss us, I miss _you._ It seems my memories are all I have left.

**I engineer no strangeness**

I'm not like Lynch, I don't know about your Graphic Novels, I don't understand when you talk about computers. In short, I guess I'm not your type, I'm boring and bland and not what you need or want.

**I don't have that modern streak**

I am not up to date in all things cultural, I don't know about what you like right now. I guess I'm just too old fashioned for you.

**What fills up this space in your life?**

Lynch is the one that take this spot, the one that you go home to, the one that is receiving those smiles, the one that I wish I was some days, most days.

**Does the sum of the slights hurt?**

Does the fact that I am not in your life as much hurt you as much as it does me? Does the loss of that intimacy, that simplicity that was 'us' and our friendship cause you any pain? It's killing me.

**Sooner or laterLove comes inside you, gets behind youTakes you under it's wing**

Love has got me, Cupid has trapped me in his grasp and I cannot get free and with each day I see you smile at him, for him, it hurts a little more, the knife draws closer to my heart, my heart that now beats only for you.

**Is it some kind of function?A reconstruction of what you've always been?**

You seem to have changed now, but maybe that's because I've changed too. The woman I love is hidden behind the woman he loves and I wonder if this is how you always were but I was too blind to see. I wonder if I was too blind to notice that you didn't care for me.

_What'd you think?_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_Song: Wicked Game by Three Days Grace_

**The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.**

But you're with him and I'm no longer on the fore front of your mind. I'm no longer in the picture anymore, he eclipses me and it's breaking my heart.

**It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.**

I keep making comments, and you laugh them off as my usual flirting. If only you knew they were the truth. I gave him the talk, did my duty as 'best friend' and he squirmed under my gaze before looking at me with all the confidence of a man in love who knows his woman loves him back and it shattered my already broken heart further.

**I find it so hard to be around you**

Whenever I'm near you he's always there and no matter how much I inwardly protest my love for you it's there and I can't do a thing about it. When you smile my heart aches, when you laugh my heart aches further because I know that I am not the one who's making you so happy, I am not the one who you go home to at night. I am not the one you love and it's so hard to watch you slipping away. Although I remind myself that I never had you in the first place.

**I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.**

I always thought the only people I'd meet would be suits and coppers. Never did I think for a second I'd meet someone that was a splash of colour and pure happiness and so unequivocally special as you, and yet here you are.

**And I never dreamed that I knew somebody like you.**

Best friends were never a constant in my life until you, but now that term chills me to the bone, reminding me of what I do not have. You.

**No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)With you. With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)**

I didn't want or plan to fall in love with you, it's only churning up my insides, leaving me a different person. Each time I see you now I try to steel my heart, to stop myself from loving you. It's an impossible task.

**What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.**

You were just being you, and that in itself was enough to make me fall over the edge, into that abyss that you always joked seemed to have a bridge over it just for me.

**What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.**

I can't be with you and all I have are memories and dreams, you're busy now with the man you love, and it kills me that it is not me.

**What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.**

You have never said it in so many words but I know you don't feel the same. The love in your eyes for Kevin is obvious and you're killing me. Although you, Goddess, would never deliberately hurt me (or anyone) and you have no idea you are doing so, it still feels like the ultimate rejection.

**What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)**

You made me feel again, you broke down my walls, got past all of my barriers and into my heart. You opened me up to love and no matter how much it's hurting me I know I now want to feel that happiness that accompanies true love.

**With you.**

It's only you that I love though. The only woman that I love so is already taken, she's no longer a player in my life and I wish I knew if you have ever felt something of the same for me, or if I was fooling myself and you never even liked me.

**The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.**

You are the only person that could take me from my slump and bring me back to myself, but you have your love, you have your man, I am surplus. No longer needed.

**It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.**

I've been sat outside your place countless times now, ready to go in and confess all, to tell you of my feelings. A man in love does funny things. But then I remember your smiling face and remember I am no longer the one who makes you smile, that someone else has that position now and I turn around and leave again, with my love weighing further down on my shoulders.

**I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.**

I never thought I'd fall in love, I never dreamed I'd fall in love with some such as you. Someone with such vitality and grace. Such a capacity for love and kindness. And it is slowly becoming a curse.

**And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you no,**

I always thought if I fell in love I'd get my 'Happily Ever After' but I guess I'm too old fashioned, my head stuck in the clouds. A little more of me dies with each time I see you smile for him, laugh with him, hug him, and when you kissed him my emotions crashed into each other, tearing me apart at the seams.

**No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)**

No matter how much it hurts my love for you will not disappear, I seem to be a masochist, I don't want to stop loving you even if I could.

**With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)(This world is only gonna break your heart)**

Despite it all I cannot stop loving you, and I don't want to. My love for you is what keeps me living, if only just. I have never felt so sure of anything in my life, have never felt such a pure emotion, and although it is causing me such pain I know that without it I am no one.

**Nobody loves no one.**

Those one-night-stands you always made fun of were never meant to amount to anything, they were just temporary distractions. None of them inspired the love you do, although you do so unwittingly. You are the only one I want to love me, but you never will and I wonder if you realise just how much you're happiness is causing me pain. But I will never say a word, to do so would only destroy your happiness and I would never forgive myself from doing that, from hurting the one person who made it through my walls and into my heart.

_what'd you think?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Ok, so I'm changing the style of this chapter as the story moves in a new direction._

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM or any of the songs from which the lyrics (bits in bold) come from._

_Songs lyrics are taken from: Get Out Alive and Wicked Game by Three Days Grace._

**I find it so hard to be around you**

This is killing me, slowly but surely it's killing me. Each day a little more of myself chips away and I can see the team worrying, wondering what's going on with me, while you don't seem to see me any more, Kevin being the one to consume your attention so completely. I can't be here so close to you when I love you so much and can do nothing about it.

I need to get away, I can't handle this any more, I am breaking. I am falling to pieces and can no longer hide it. The mask is slipping, my walls are crumbling and I need to go, to get away. No matter how much it'll hurt to be away from you, staying here when you can't see me, when he eclipses everyone else, is doing too much damage to me. But my reasons are not purely selfish; my head's not in the work anymore, it's only a matter of time before I make a mistake, before something pushes me over the edge - into the abyss - and I don't think I'll make it back from there this time, not if you're not there to urge me forwards, upwards and back home.

**The water's up to my neck, I'm going to drown.**

The job in Chicago means I'll be closer to my family. It also means further from you, but right now distance is what I need, I cannot watch you with him. It hurts to see you so happy when I am no longer a part of it, not really. A few favours have been called in and I hope I am able to transfer. The last hurdle on this journey is Hotch. He has to let me go, I can't be here any longer. He must see it, I don't want to have to explain it.

**If you wanna get out alive, oh-oh run for your life.**

"Why do you want this transfer?" Hotch asked me, his gaze curious and half challenging, as if he was trying to get me to admit it, but I already had, I knew you were the reason I was leaving.

"I can't stay here." I said, my voice strong although almost a whisper.

"That's a crap reason Morgan." He said, an edge to his voice I had only heard once before.

"I can't be here." I ground out, "I need to do this Hotch." I beseeched. I was close to begging.

"Ok." He conceded upon hearing the desperation in my voice. I don't think he's ever seen me this broken.

I left his office, the signed transfer sheet clutched in my hand, it was my lifeline. Emily and, JJ stop talking when they see me, they look at me, concern evident in their gazes and I realise why: my resolve has broken, the despair written plainly across my face. They see the paper, their eyes silently question me. All I can say is: "I'll keep in touch." as I pick up my backpack of ready packed items from my desk - the picture of the team included - and walk past them and out of the BAU offices.

**If I stay it won't be long until I'm burning on the inside.**

When the cool outside air hits my face I find all I want to do is sag to the ground and cry, to scream at the top of my lungs that I love you, but that will achieve nothing, so instead I pick up my unwilling feet and continue on to my truck. My hand is on the door handle when Emily and JJ come running out, their breath fogging in the air in front of them as they reach me. A hand is placed on my shoulder, my name comes from their lips: "Morgan?"

I turn to face them, and I know they can see my pain from the worried looks on their faces.

"Why are you going?" Emily demands, her strong voice sounding muffled in my head, it all feels so surreal.

"I can't stay here. I can't _be _here." I say, exhaling slowly as I look from one to the other. They both know instinctively that this is about you. JJ's a better profiler than she gives herself credit for.

"Derek." JJ implores, "Why don't you tell her?"

"She doesn't want or need me, and it hurts too much JJ. I _need_ to do this, for her as well as me." I say and she sees the pain that flashes in my eyes and envelopes me in a hug. I squeeze her back, I am going to miss her, Emily too. But you, you I will miss the most.

When she finally lets me go I can see the tears building in her eyes before Emily hugs me and all I can see is black hair. All slight awkwardness aside now, she whispers: "We'll be here if you need us." before moving back. I nod mechanically in response, and offer them a small smile as I climb into the truck and start the engine.

As I begin to move they stand and watch, and I hear a last question float on the wind to my ears: "Are you going to say goodbye to her?"

I don't answer, I can't. I can't even think about it, if I do I'll stay. And I can't stay, that would be disastrous for both of us.

**If I go I can only hope that I'll make it to the other side.**

_What'd you think?_


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_Songs: Broken by Lifehouse, Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt, Tangled by Maroon 5...there may be another but right now I can't remember…silly me forgot to note them all down! Anyways, I don't own the bits in bold either!_

**Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow**

I reach my apartment in a haze of emotions, conflicting ones threatening to tear me apart. I grab my two suitcases I'd already packed. I was going even if Hotch had refused to sign the form. I get Clooney into the truck along side me and, after depositing my suitcases in the back, I put the truck in drive and head to Reid's. I had to say good bye to the kid.

**I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow**

When I reached his place I smile wanly, I'd miss this place, I'd miss my friend. I knocked on the wooden door and listened to the dull throb as it reverberated in his hallway.

He opened the door with a sad smile, he'd obviously been expecting me.

"JJ and Emily?" I asked, knowing they must have told him. He nodded and invited me in.

There was a slightly awkward pause when it was obvious he wasn't sure how to broach the subject, but he obviously made up his mind just to be blunt: "You don't have to go."

I shook my head sadly, "I do, Reid, I do. I can't stay here."

He heard the sadness in my voice and looked at me like this was the first time he had seen me like this. Well actually it was, I was always the strong one, the tough guy and here I was broken and hurt by a woman who had no idea she had done anything to hurt me.

"Morgan, you love the BAU. We're family. You are a great profiler, the capture and conviction of the unsubs increased from 87% to 97.3% three years after you were recruited. The place is as much a part of you as your ego and your personality."

I cut him off, not wanting him to continue, not wanting him to make it any harder than it already was. "Kid, I can't stay here, it's ripping me apart. I need to get away." I cast my eyes to the floor, looking away from the sadness on his young face. He didn't want me to go. In all honesty I didn't want to go either, but I had to, staying here was not doing me any good.

"It's Garcia isn't it?" He questioned although somewhere in that massive brain of his he knew that the answer to his question was yes. He wanted me to admit it, like Hotch he seemed to think I was in denial of my reason for leaving. I nodded, moving my eyes back to his face, catching the sad smile that played on his lips.

"Ok." He said softly, giving his permission, his blessing. I smiled at him, at his funny ways. I was going to miss him, my super smart and yet super clueless friend. "Keep in touch." He said, noticing my body language screaming that I had to leave now or I would never leave.

"I'm only going to Chicago kid, it's not that far away."

"But it's not here either." He said, before walking me to the door.

Just as my fingers touched the door handle he grasped my shoulder and turned me around once more: "This is stupid Morgan, you know it won't help. You're just running away. You have to stay, you have to talk to her." His eyes were boring into me, trying to read my every thought. He sighed in defeat as he saw the determination in my eyes.

"It may be running away, but it's better than staying here and slowly being torn apart." I said softly, wishing he understood completely. "Take care of yourself, kid, and come see me." I said with a small smile before grasping his shoulder trying to offer some comfort, when really, honestly I was the one in need of the support, of the reassurance.

**I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating**

I climbed back in the car and phoned Rossi, putting it on speaker. He, like Reid, already knew and I wondered how long it would take for the news to reach your ears. And I wondered if you would care. My broken soul forgetting that we were best friends once upon a time. Rossi didn't try to convince me to stay, his years of experience telling him I wasn't going to change my mind. He ordered me to keep in touch and to come back for visits and I agreed, knowing full well that I wouldn't go back, couldn't go back for a while. They'd have to come to me. It would hurt too much to keep going back and forth, my heart wouldn't be able to take it.

**I wonder if I disappear, would you even turn your head and look, see if I'm gone**

I took the motorway and put my foot down, trying to concentrate on the road in front of me and not the niggling thoughts in my head telling me to turn around and go back. To go back and tell you how I feel, or if not then to at least say goodbye. But I know I can't do that, it'll hurt too much and when I see your face I won't be able to leave.

As I approached the roundabout I took the lane that would put me in the direction of my mum's, taking me away from here and hopefully taking me somewhere I could try to mend my heart and my soul.

When the sign that read: "THANK YOU FOR VISITNG QUANTICO" came into view my heart plummeted even further at the thought of actually leaving you, of not seeing your face every day. But I know that this is for the best, that if I'd stayed any longer the pain would have been unbearable. And as that thought attempts - and fails - to calm my beating heart I remind myself that it's only in my head that I am not leaving you, because you were never mine in the first place.

**Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. **

**You have been the one. You have been the one for me.**

_What'd you think?_


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_Songs: Arms of Sorrow by Killswitch Engage, On My Own by Three Days Grace, Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt, Beautiful by Eminem_

**Deeper I'm falling Into the arms of sorrow**

The further I drove from Quantico the further I was from you, from my extended family, from my second home. Each of these thoughts sent another dagger to my heart, so I focussed on the lessening of the pain this move would bring me, on the fact that I would spend more time with my blood family, my sisters and my mum. Here I can try to forget, although I know I never will or could, and try to get myself out of this slump. But my heart does not work like my mind and the further I drive the stronger it hurts and the more it tries to make me turn around and go back.

**Imprisoned, inside this mind**

I have held these feelings inside for too long, and now they are prisoners of my mind, stuck behind the remnants of the walls I built up over the years that secretly loving you brought tumbling down.

I didn't tell you, couldn't tell you, you have Kevin, and the repression of my emotions is driving me crazy, I could not tell a soul, although the rest of the team already knew. It makes me wonder, did you?

I continue driving, my brain going into auto pilot, following the familiar road home, taking me to the place where I come to heal, and I hope that this time I will be able to.

**Hiding behind the empty smiles**

My mum heard me pull up and she is out on the front porch waiting to see the damage that's been done. As I open the truck door Clooney pelts up the drive, heading straight inside to the food he knows will be awaiting him and I, well I look at my mum and try for a smile. It's empty, and she knows it is. She can see my pain even from this distance. She spreads her arms wide as I near her and I go to her, a grown man sinking into his mother's comforting embrace. There's no point in pretending here, they know me too well.

"Derek." she mumbles, leading me inside before trying to get me to look at her, I do and she instinctively knows this is worse than just wounded pride, that it's serious. "Why don't you tell her?" She asks, pleading with me, wanting nothing more than for her son to be happy, I'm sure seeing me so broken is killing her.

I shake my head sadly, "I can't." She knows not to push it further, not yet, not when she can see how close I am to breaking. And it's breaking her, to see how much I have been run into the ground by this.

She leads me inside and I am glad of the comfort that these old walls bring, if only for a minute I breath in the familiar smell and the memories come flooding back, a small smile graces my lips. But then I remember bringing you here, how great a weekend we had here and my smile turns upside down, desolation settling upon my face.

My mum silently takes my bags from me, leaving me to my memories and my hurt for the moment. I am sure she'll want to talk later. In fact, I know she will, and the conversation will only be on you. I just hope I can take it, that it will not break me. Maybe it'll do me some good to get some of these emotions out.

**Standing on my own…forget about the one I left at home**

I am here, alone and hurting, trying to push thoughts of you from my mind. It's a fruitless task, anything and everything brings my thoughts straight back to you; from the aroma of the delicious food coming from the kitchen, to the music on the radio - every song seems to fit with some memory or other, and all the way around to Clooney doing his tricks for my mum, the tricks you taught him. It's wearing me down and I know the second my mum tries to broach the subject the dam will break and I won't be able to stop myself from pouring it all out, all the love, all the hurt and all the anguish.

**I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.**

Sitting on the coach my mum turns to me and I know this is it. It's the thing I have been both dreading and wishing for.

"Tell me what happened." She says softly, her eyes showing all the love she has for me and how seeing me this broken is affecting her so.

"I love her." I whisper and her eyes widen, she never expected me to actually tell her that, and it's a bittersweet blow as she knows that the story doesn't end well. She encourages me with a small smile, trying to get me to open up, to let it all go. And I do.

After very little persuasion I am bearing my soul to her, telling her all about you, about the realisation that I love you, about Kevin and then about my role in your life lessening until I could take no more. I find it hard to talk after a while, my throat dry from trying to talk through the small sobs that have been escaping my lips throughout. She hugs me, pulling me close as the sobs rack my body. She looks scared, no wonder, her baby boy, the man of the family, the ever strong and steadfast son she has raised is falling to pieces in her arms.

**I'm just so fucking depressed, I just can't seem get out this slump**

I spilled my secrets to my mum as we sat on the couch, every single slight of my hand, slip of the tongue, ever single moment and memory of you and me. Everything. I hadn't been this open with anyone except you just after the shooting. Only this time the person I was talking to wasn't going to find someone else the second I gave her some space. She's my mum, she's stuck with me for life.

**The echoes of my voice follow me down**

My words replay in my head as I lie in my bed that night, my admissions, hopes, fears and desires all running rampant in my head now that they have been released. But I have accepted it now, accepted that they will just be a part of me now, that you won't be with me. It's one of those terrible truths that I always wished I'd never know, but now I do, and surprisingly I'm ok with that. Loving you is not a curse, it's a blessing, no matter how much it's killing me.

_What'd you think?_


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_Songs: Arms of Sorrow by Killswitch Engage and Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt._

**Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?**

Today, first day on the new job, Emily phones, just to update me. I think maybe she feels if she tells me about you that I'll come back. I won't, I can't and I don't intend to.

"She noticed you weren't here. She went digging and found the form." Emily said, no pretences or placating words, straight to the point and although my heart ached for you I steeled myself for what was to come, knowing that I would want to get the next flight out and come back if I didn't.

"She's upset Morgan. Her best friend upped and left without telling her, without saying goodbye." She said, her voice dropping in volume and I knew she was in the bull pen.

"My best friend left a while ago with no goodbye, and all the while I fell harder, she's got Lynch, she'll move on and forget about me." I said while my heart sunk, I didn't want this to cause you any upset, that was not and would never be my goal. But for once I knew that I had to put my emotions before yours, that if I let myself feel guilty even for a second I would be back there in a flash and that would ultimately lead to me having a breakdown.

"I wouldn't be so sure-" She began but I cut her off, I couldn't hear that, it wasn't fair for her to give my broken heart hope that was completely non-existent.

"Emily, no. Please." I begged and she stopped, not wanting what she was telling me to break me further.

"Ok, sorry. How are you?" She asked after a pause. I laughed softly in reply.

"Hanging in there." Was my reply as my mind whirls to pictures of you, to imaginary scenes where you want me to come back, where you try to get me to come back. I shake my head to get rid of the images and focus back on Emily's voice.

"You know me and JJ are here, if you need to talk?"

"Yeah, thanks." I reply and know that I will do whatever I can not to go to them. They don't need my burden, they each have their own to worry about.

"Just call us if you fancy a chat, anything, you hear me?"

"Yeah, Emily, loud and clear. I need to vent you guys are there. Thanks." I reply and the pause before she ends the conversation tells me that she knows me well enough to know I won't go to them with this one, at least not just now.

**Deeper I'm falling Into the arms of sorrow**

The day dragged unbearably long and I had to turn my phone off. You tried to call me, your name flashing on the small screen so many times that day and each time my heart broke. I couldn't answer it, couldn't bear to hear your voice just now, to hear the hurt and anger in your voice. But you'd forget me, you'd move on with Lynch and all would be fine, you'd be happy and I wouldn't be slowly dying as I watched your happiness.

**Hiding behind the empty smiles**

The first day was as good as could be expected, trying to hide behind fake smiles and jokes, trying not to think about you not being there. About how it didn't feel like home like the BAU did. Like being with you did.

**Blindly descending Into the arms of sorrow**

As I sat on the couch after work, trying to mask the sadness evident in my body language so that my sisters would not see, I looked down at the blinking icon on the phone's screen. I had a voice mail, and I was sure you had left it. That little icon was drawing both love, regret and hurt from my mind. I knew all I had to do was press a button and I could hear your voice, but I also knew that it would hurt too much to hear your anger, your rage at me for skipping out on you. It made me want to take back my leaving, but I knew I couldn't do that.

Des came in a saw the emotions on my usually controlled expression and she asked the question I bet she wishes now she didn't ask: "What's wrong Derek?"

So I told her, I told her everything, for once in my life I was completely and wholly honest with her. I did not keep the wee details out, I told her it all. After I was finished and she saw the slight lessening of the burden on my shoulders she hugged me, pulling me tight and taking my phone from her hand. She flicked it open and deleted the message without listening to it. When the phone bleeped confirming the erasure of the message my heart cracked but I knew, like she said as she handed me back the phone, it was for the best. Hearing your voice just now would not do me any good.

I smiled a small sad smile in thanks and she replied with: "Anytime." before hugging me once more and heading to the kitchen. I was sure she was going to talk to mum about it, and I didn't have the strength to care. I just hoped they wouldn't try to get me to go back. I think they know me well enough not to.

**The echoes of my voice Follow me down**

The conversation I had with Des replays in my head and I know at some point in the near future I will have a Morgan Woman Intervention directed my way, and I don't have the strength to fight it.

_What'd you think?_


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_Songs: Goodbye My Lover James Blunt, Brick by Ben Folds Five, _

The intervention didn't come that day, or the next, or even the one after that. But it did come on the first day all three of them could be there together.

"Derek, honey, she's called countless times. If you're not careful she won't call back any more." My mum whispered as my phone began to ring. She sat it in front of me and I wanted nothing more than to answer, to hear your voice, even if you were mad.

But I shook my head, I couldn't do it, couldn't put myself through it, it would be the emotional equivalent of putting my heart in a blender.

"You need to say goodbye, at least get yourself some sort of closure big bro!" Des piped in, pushing the flashing phone towards me.

"I can't, guys." I said, my eyes welling with pain, "It'll hurt too much."

"You have to talk to her at some point." Sarah reminded, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, and so with my family around me I picked up the phone, taking a deep breath before answering.

"Morgan." I said into the receiver and I knew my voice sounded wounded, the slight hitch at the end giving me away. I am sure I heard you gasp, as if in surprise.

There was silence. You were there, I knew you were, but you didn't say a word.

"Pen?" I asked, my voice soft as I tried so hard not to reveal my secrets down the phone. There was still no reply, so I spoke the words I never wanted to say: "I'm so sorry I didn't say bye…goodbye."

I heard the breath at the end of the phone falter and I hung up, not wanting to hear your anger, not wanting to hear the hurt in your voice. But I knew you would be fine, you have Kevin to hold on to, to love and to be with.

As I hung up and put the phone down on the coffee table I realised there were tears welling in my eyes and my family descended upon me, a blanket of comfort enveloping me.

**Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.**

The next few days were torture, pure torture. Your phone calls stopped coming and that hurt more than it should considering I was the one that said goodbye. I threw myself into my work, projects at the youth centre. Anything and everything to try to keep my mind off of you. But every second I stopped to breath I felt it, felt the dagger jab my heart again, felt the rush of emotions threatening to suffocate me. I had to know how you were doing. Even if it would set me back, I had to know you were ok, that you were fine and happy still.

"Morgan?" JJ asked in obvious surprise as she answered her cell.

"Hi." I said softly, before asking the question I had phoned for, the answer to which I didn't know whether I could handle, no matter which way it went. "How is she?"

I could tell she was still worried about me, about you and about this whole sticky situation by the pause before she spoke.

"She's holding up. Pissed, sad and angry but she's ok." She said with a sigh before adding: "The question I have is; how are _you_?"

"Fine."

"Yeah, like I believe that for a second." She said with a laugh and I could tell she was smiling.

"I'm getting by." I said, my voice betraying me and letting her hear my pain.

"How's Chicago treating you?"

"It's good to see my family again, got lots of stuff going on at the moment." I replied, and I knew she would know I was filling my days with anything I could to stop my mind from wandering to you.

"Good." She said and I could tell there was more she wanted to ask, more she wanted me to say, but I had to end the conversation there before I asked more questions, the answers to which would only pull me back to the start, pull me deeper into the slump I was currently scrambling at the edges of. So we say our goodbyes and she says she'll keep an eye on things. I thank her, glad to know someone will be watching out for you now that I'm not there, and we hang up. I stare at the small screen and flick through my contacts, finding your number I sit and stare at it for a bit as many thoughts whirr around in my brain and the urge to press that little green button grows.

I flick the phone shut and put it on the table before getting up to go for a run, maybe it'll help clear my head, stop me thinking about you, about how your voice sounds in my ear, how your smile lights up a room. It doesn't.

You infiltrate my mind, only thoughts of you playing in my head. All thoughts are of you and me, and then just you before they take a more upsetting route and head to all the times you smiled for him, those times when you went out with him instead of our usual hanging out, those times you kissed him at team gatherings and as I ran, I could feel my eyes burning as the tears threatened to fall.

As I pushed myself up the last hill to make it home my brain continued to bombard me with images of you with him, kissing, laughing, smiling, hugging…and then it takes a turn I wish it never had and I see you two together, lying in bed, sleeping, making love, kissing, touching and it hits me all over again that you were never mine and that you will never be.

I can feel the bile rise up my throat and I gag before spilling the contents of my stomach onto the ground at my feet. I stand bent over, my breathing shallow as I look to the sky, I blink back tears once more and let out a strangled sob as the clouds in the sky remind me of when we used to lie on the grass in the park and pick out shapes as Clooney ran around us like a maniac.

Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand I use the hose to clean up the path before heading inside to clean up myself, to remove the sweat, dirt and hopefully the painful memories from my skin.

Feeling this way is killing me, stopping me from functioning correctly, distracting me, consuming me. And I know I will never get over you, you can't get over a love this strong.

**Now that I have found someone. I'm feeling more alone. Than I ever have before because I can't be with you.**

_What'd you think? And erm, please don't kill me! lol_


	8. Chapter 8

_This one's quite a bit shorter, just a sort of 'filler' I suppose :)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_Songs: In Her Eyes by Josh Groban, _

**This world keeps on spinning  
****Only she stills my heart  
****She's my inspiration  
****She's my northern star**

These past few weeks have been killing me, the separation from you doing more damage than I had anticipated. Even now, when I know you are never going to be with me, when I know you must hate me for leaving like I did, you are still the person who's image pulls me through. As the days trudged by I have grown to love you more and I am nowhere near you, you'd laugh at my idiocy, as we laughed at all those rom-coms what feels like so long ago now.

Every so often I catch myself with the team photo in my hand, staring so hard, as if - as my mum mentioned once - I want to go back to that point. And I do. In the picture you're smiling that beautiful smile of yours with your zany clothes and the colourful flashes in your hair as you try to tickle me, trying to make me laugh. The whole team is smiling, happy and the love resonates from the frame. And I miss it, miss the dynamic, the banter, the smiles, the laughs and mostly I miss you.

Although my mind always leads me to memories of you and Kevin whenever I begin to think of you, I'd take the hurt it causes any day just to remember that smile, those eyes, that personality, those curves, that voice.

**She stares through my shadow  
****She sees something more  
Believes there's a light in me  
She is sure**

You always believed in me, saying I was a hero, like someone from one of those Graphic Novels you love so much, but a hero wouldn't have ran. You were so sure I was this Shining White Knight that you didn't see me braking underneath the tarnished armour. I was the one who needed some saving towards the end. And this time you didn't realise, this time you weren't able to read me like you usually could. This time he was the one you could see through, the one you knew everything about, the one who was your hero, your White Knight.

**I am not a hero  
I am not an angel  
I am just a man**

I am just Derek Morgan, Derek Morgan the man, the cop, the ex Fed, the son, the brother, the friend. But what defines me most is that I am in love with you. Not a moment goes by that I do not think of you, and each time I do it is so bittersweet as I know I will never have you. You will never love me back.

I am definitely not one of your superheroes, the hero always gets the girl and there is no chance of me getting you.

_What'd you think?_


	9. Chapter 9

_Thanks to klcm and jevans47403 for the song recommendations __J and to those who are reviewing, glad you like it!_

_And just a heads up, I don't use the lyrics as they feature in the song really, I tweak them to fit :P_

_Song:s Tonight I wanna cry by Keith Urban, Part of the list by Ne-Yo and See you once again by Wouter Hamel. _

**'Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
****And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control**

I always had to be so kept together, so controlled in order to keep my true feelings from you, but now there is no point. Everyone here knows I am hurting, everyone here knows how I feel about you.

The phone rings when I am in the lounge and I can hear my mum talk to whoever it is, and the tone of her voice, the pitches and timbers tell me she's telling them about me. I don't have the energy to care. The phone is pressed into my hand and I smile a half smile at my mum and I think I see hurt flash in her eyes. She can't bear to see her baby boy so broken.

"Morgan." I say into the phone, wondering which of the girls it is that's phoning me.

"Hey." Emily's voice sounds in my ear. "How's Chicago?"

"Fine." I say and she laughs. She knows me well enough to know when I say fine I mean it's anything but.

"You miss her." She states. "And she-"

"Prentiss." I warn her, my voice low.

"Come off it Morgan, of course she misses you, you left without saying anything to her, and Kevi-"

"Emily, no. I can't talk about this just now." I beseech.

"But you _need _to. I'm willing to bet you want to ask me so many questions about her you just are afraid to hear the answers." I sigh and she knows it's true, but I know that once I ask about you I won't be able to stop and next thing I know I'll be on a plane and back where I started, hurting and hiding my feelings in silence.

"She phoned you, _a lot._ You didn't answer." She says and I can hear the hurt for her friend in her voice. She knows why I left, why I am here but her loyalty to you is still there, still strong.

"I know." I say with another sigh. "I couldn't hear her voice then. If I did I would have told her everything."

"And would that be such a bad thing?" She asked, her voice softening, and for a second I am tempted to ask her what she means by that. But I don't, my stupid pride won't let me. "It may help take the weight off of your shoulders."

"She's with Kevin, Emily, she doesn't need to hear my story of unrequited love."

"Maybe that's exactly what she _does_ need to hear, shouldn't you let her make that decision for herself?"

"If I let her make that decision and she says she doesn't want to know, how would that leave me?" I ask softly and she knows I have been thinking about it, going through every angle.

"Would it not be worth it in case she wants to know?" She asks in a hopeful voice. In response I laugh slightly, before replying: "Cos that's going to happen." before trying to change the subject.

"How are you guys?" I ask, hoping she will take the hint and not continue to press the issue.

"Fine, the office is not the same without you though." She says sadly before adding: "You're replacement is struggling to fit in…" she continued to explain what he was like but I had blocked it all out, the word 'replacement' reverberating in my head. It sounded so final, I had been replaced. I had been replaced as your best friend and now I was being replaced in work.

It finally sunk in, I was no longer a part of their lives, your life. I was no longer there. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect it to hit me all at once.

"Morgan?…Derek?" Emily's voice sounded louder in my ear and I realised she had still been talking.

"Yeah. What? Sorry?" I asked, my mind sluggish from the realisation.

"You ok?" I grunted in response and she continued. "You didn't hear a word I just said, did you?" She asked and I could hear the almost smile on her face.

"Nope." I said sadly and she wondered where my mind had taken me, I am sure she was hoping it would aid her cause when she added:

"Think maybe you need to get it out there? Stop yourself from harbouring it?"

"If only it were that easy." I said softly before making up an excuse to end the conversation. She knew that I was just trying to get off of the phone, but thankfully this time she let me go.

**But here it comes so bring me down I'm struggling every day**

It's getting harder and harder to push thoughts of you from my mind. As I sit on the couch and my family chats around me, my mind wanders to you, to how much I miss you. Even if towards the end we weren't the same as we once were I still miss all the little things, from the quirky glasses to the sound of your voice when you are pouting.

**They're all part of the list things that I miss things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile **

Everything about you is so perfect, so you, and I find myself remembering more and more each time I let my mind wander to you, and it hurts, but I can cope with this hurt, I can deal with the twinges of regret, the sadness. It is just a matter of dealing with the want, the need to phone you, to apologise, to tell you everything. But that will do me no good, so I bite my tongue and tie my hands behind my back and keep on dreaming about what could have been.

_What'd you think?_


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer (for this chapter and last…whoops!): I don't own CM or the songs._

_Ok, so a slight change to the way this story is going to be written. All those with Morgan's POV will now be known as 'Part One'…'Part Two' will be titled as such, just so you know :)_

_Song: Meet Me Halfway by The Black Eyed Peas_

**I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout youEvery single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you**

The next day, after work, Des caught me once again staring at the photo of the team, and your smiling face, but this time she didn't take it off me. Instead she smiled softly and continued on to the kitchen to pick up the ringing phone.

"Desiree." I heard float through the door before her voice dropped and I had to strain my ears to hear. I only caught snippets of the conversation.

"_He's hanging in there…."_

"…_struggling…"_

"…_loves her so much…"_

"…_misses…" _

"…_wants to be back…"_

"…_no, no, we've got it…"_

"_talk …sense…him…"_

"…_moping…" _

"…_broken…."_

"…_we'll have to wait and see…" _

"…_goodbye…Agent Hotchner…Hotch…"_

"…_we will…"_

My eyes burned and I blinked to rid them of tears, my family was talking to my extended family, the family I had left behind. They were all talking about me, about you, about us. Whatever 'us' that was. As this piece of information filtered into my brain it seemed to trigger something. Just as when the word 'replacement' had jarred me from my stupor momentarily, this half-conversation pulled me from it momentarily as Des came back in, my mum right behind her and Sarah came through from the dining room.

It was a Morgan Woman intervention, and I wasn't going to get out of this one with a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, that much I was sure of.

"Derek.." My mum began tentatively, obviously unsure how to word whatever she was trying to say before she continues, her voice stronger this time. "Why are you still here?"

At my puzzled expression she continues: "You love her, you have to tell her. I didn't raise my boy to be a coward."

"It's not that easy." I say, my voice almost breaking but I manage to control myself, for now.

"From where we're standing it is that easy, you're just too scared of a rejection which may not come." Des says with feeling.

"It will, Des." I say with certainty. "She's got someone else, she doesn't want or need me ruining that."

"How do you _know_?" she asks, her tone of voice demanding an answer, and a good one at that.

"Because she loves him." I grind out, that one thought being the one thing I have tried so hard to keep from thinking about.

"So what if she does, maybe she doesn't, but either way you love her and she _deserves_ to know little brother." Sarah chips in, with a small smile.

"I couldn't have said it better myself." My mum says before turning back to me, her expression serious: "I love you so much son, but right now you are not being you. You are sitting around here moping, staring at that picture and wishing you were back there. _Go back there._ It's the only way you're going to get over this and get out of this mini-depression. You need to be you, Derek and the Derek Morgan we know wouldn't give up like this." She said with feeling, motioning to the three of them.

"You always tell us to go after what we want, to chase our dreams, for once why don't you take your own damn advice." Sarah said with a smile.

Their words penetrated my mind, finally doing what they had being trying to do since I got here, get through to me. The words had the intended impact, worming their way into my subconscious and pulling the nagging feelings of doubt about my running away back to the forefront once more.

They each saw the change in my demeanour instantly and smiled, Derek Morgan as they knew him was back and in business.

"You're going to go back aren't you?" Des said with a massive relieved smile on her face.

I nodded, a short clipped nod. "I have to."

* * *

Later that night, the car is packed and I am getting in when my mum reaches for m arm, pulling me back and into one last hug. She whispers in my ear: "We love you, we just want you to be happy. Go get her son."

I return the hug before removing myself from her embrace and getting into the car. I hear one last family observation float through the wind as I start the car : "He loves her so much that he's willing to throw the life he had away for the chance to tell her." Des says, her voice strong, she's proud of her big brother's decision, and that fact alone helps me to keep myself together, reenforcing that I _need _to do this.

As I drive off, away from my family but towards you I feel the nervousness coil in my belly. This is the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my life, but I know it is the right decision. You can scream at me to leave, not even let me in, hit me, hate me, I doesn't matter what you do as long as I tell you. As long as I at least get it out there. I deserve the chance to tell you.

Driving along the motorway back to Quantico my body is on auto pilot while my mind is consumed by thoughts of you. I have accepted my love for you, resigned myself to it being unrequited, but I can still dream can't I? I imagine many different scenarios, many different ways this will play out, and I have a feeling that whatever does happen will be completely different to what I think. However no matter how it does occur as long as I can talk to you, tell you that I love you, that I was an idiot and blind for so long then I will be at ease. I don't care what happens to me then, you can kick me out, scream at me, set Kevin on me, delete me from the face of the cyber - and therefore the real - world, but I will have told you, you will know why I left. Whatever happens after is superfluous.

The familiar sign that caused me such pain is on the opposite side of the road this time. The sign I do see tugs at my heartstrings, but this time it's because I'm happy. Well, happier than I was when I left.

"WELCOME TO QUANTICO."

This way is much better, this way does not break my heart. Although I know that I could be driving straight into heartbreak.

_"He loves her so much that he's willing to throw the life he had away for the chance to tell her."_

_~ thanks for the inspiration my southern friend : ) )_

_**What'd you think? **_

_**Who wants find out what's been going on back at the BAU? Any takers?**_


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM_

_Songs: Come Back and Stay by James Morrison, Meet Me Halfway by The Black Eyed Peas and Tonight I wanna cry by Keith Urban._

_Part Two ~ Garcia_

**Will you ever return?**

You're gone. You left. You ran from us, from me and you never said a word. The others know something, they're all not telling me what though and I know they must have spoken to you before you left. I don't understand, why did you leave? Why did you not tell me? I thought we were friends, best friends at that. How could you leave me? Don't you care about me? Are you going to come back?

My mind is plagued with so many questions and my usual flare for the dramatic has kicked in. I realise now that you had been pulling away before you left, that you were not around as much, and yes part of that was because I was busier with Kevin but you never said anything, just pulled into your shell once more. What's going on with you, with us? I wish I knew.

**Since you've been gone I shut my eyes And I fantasize That you're here with me**

I miss you, I miss my best friend, my rock, my protector. When you didn't show up that day the girls could hardly look at me, Reid was spouting more facts than normal as if to prevent himself from letting something slip. I know where you went, you transferred to Chicago, but I don't know why and you won't pick up your phone. How could you just leave? The team looks at me guiltily, they know why you left, but they won't tell me. Every way I word the question they deflect, they change the subject or they tell me to ask you myself. But I can't, because you won't pick up the phone. What have I done that has made you not even want to talk to me, what have I done that deserves my best friend leaving without a single word?

I wish you were back, I wish you hadn't left, I wish I could hear your voice, see that cheeky smile that usually graces your face, although I now realise that it had been less frequent the last few weeks. Where'd it go? Why did you go with it?

Kevin's getting annoyed, but right now I don't care, I want to talk to you, to know why my best friend did a runner, essentially cutting me out. It hurts, it really hurts. You were the closest person to me since my parents and I lost them, I don't want to loose you. Why won't you pick up?!

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring_

I leave a message this time:

"Hi Morgan, Derek, it's me. Just phoning to check up on you, to see what's going on, what's up just now? Just you know, phone me back…please…"

That's when the anger kicked in. You ran away, you left without a word as if our friendship meant nothing to you, as if _I _meant nothing to you, and I know that's not true, I can read you like a book how come I didn't see the signs? I am angry and myself as much as I am you. How could I be so blind to your retreating from my life, how did I not see this coming? But you left without a word and yet you won't pick up your damn phone, won't even listen to me for _two minutes._ I want to know why.

I know that I could stop the transfer, make it null and void and force you to come back, but I fear if I do that then you'll just run further, at least this way I know where you are, even if you won't talk to me.

**Every single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you**

I really need you right now, I really need my best friend, I need that man back. I need to talk to you like I always do, need to confide in someone. Why'd you have to go and leave? Why'd you have to leave and stir this all up again? I really _really_ miss you, more than I should…apparently. But who is he to judge, he doesn't know you as well as I do, in fact he doesn't know you at all, his opinion doesn't matter in this, you're my best friend - although you're not acting like it - I am _allowed_ to miss you.

I miss that Derek Morgan smile, that Derek Morgan laugh, that protective nature, the nicknames, the banter, the innuendos. I miss _you._ But you obviously don't miss me, or at least not enough to pick up the damn phone.

I feel like a stalker, using my 'mad skills', as you once dubbed them, I checked the GPS in your phone just to see where you were exactly. No surprise there, you're at your mum's. Where else would you go, I guess it was just a comfort of sorts to see that little red dot, it was the only way I would 'see' you. That little red dot told me you hadn't disappeared al together, that you could come back, if you wanted to. But after these few weeks with no return and still no contact it's obvious you're not coming back. And I want you to, I guess you could say I need you to. It always sounds cheesy, every time I think about it but it's like with you gone the whole team's different, we're all different for you not being here. And for different reasons: Emily misses her friend and wants you to resolve whatever's going on in that pretty little head of yours; JJ's worried she'll break whatever promise she made you; Reid misses his 'big brother'; Hotch, well he says he misses your skills, but really I know he just misses his friend; Rossi doesn't show a thing, he's seen many of agents come and go but we know he wishes you hadn't left. And me, well, that's just that bit more complicated. I tell myself I miss you, my best friend, but truthfully, maybe there's something else stirring, something I buried long ago as a lost cause, because surely you couldn't _love _me. It's getting harder to ignore the pang whenever anyone mentions your name, whenever I walk by _your _desk and the new agent is there. He does not belong, he is not you.

But then I phoned again, tried one last time. And you answered and I couldn't speak, what was I supposed to say? 'Derek Morgan I think I love you, but I'm still with Kevin.' Yeah, that'd work. But you bet me to it, and your voice sounded so broken, so wounded. You apologised and my heart soared, maybe all was not lost. But then you said goodbye.

Goodbye.

One word and my heart broke. I succumbed to tears, bug gut wrenching tears and my body shock with the sobs. You had let me go, you had just stopped all contact with me, of that I was sure. The phone rang in my hand and I picked it up.

"Derek?" I asked as the sobs stopped for a second as my heart allowed me to believe you changed your mind, that you realised you made a mistake.

It wasn't you.

"Derek!" Kevin had screeched in my ear. "He's gone Penelope, _gone_!"

And the sobs returned, ferociously shaking my body as I tried to babble an apology into the phone. I didn't get through even one word when he said the words which didn't hurt half as much as yours had:

"I don't think this is going to work Penelope. You don't love me." He said sadly and the unspoken statement hung in the air between us: 'You love him.'

The phone beeped in my ear. He'd disconnected. I let myself break down, for the first time since Battle I let it all out, sobbing hysterically into the cushion I was now clutching as if it was my lift raft in this sea of emotions.

That night I cried myself to sleep, my mind thinking only of you, that one word taunting my every waking moment, and even when sleep finally claimed me I dreamt torturous dreams, dreams of you coming back, of you telling me the three words I longed to hear. The three words I had longed to hear for so long even though I denied it, I have been the 'Queen of Denial' for years, since the day we met if I'm honest.

I went to work the next day, my eyes blood shot and my usual luster gone, and they noticed. All of them. And they seemed to know exactly what it was straight away, they knew that it was about you. JJ rushed to her office, going straight on to the phone and I know she phoned you, her almost guilty looks later when her and Emily came to talk to me all I needed as confirmation.

I didn't tell them about my realisation, I glossed over it, telling them Kevin and I had split. They looked caught somewhere between worrying about me and relief. I don't need to drag them into my problem, the big stinking problem I created for myself by pushing my feelings for you down, burying them beneath the contentment I felt with Kevin.

**I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you**

The next few days dragged. I did my work, I thought about you; I went home, I thought about you; I talked to the girls, I thought about you. The days merged into one another as I longed to call you, to hear your voice, but that wouldn't happen. You had said your goodbye, you wouldn't be phoning again.

The new guy is trying so hard to fit in, but he will never be you and he is painfully aware of that fact. If I wasn't so stuck in myself at the moment I would talk to him, but I can't right now. It reminds me too much of the fact that you are not here. That you won't be back and I wonder what would have happened if I'd told you how I felt before it was too late.

**The way that it was and could've been surrounds me I'll never get over you walkin' away.**

In my apartment that night, I sit on my laptop watching that wee red dot, and then it begins to move. Fast. You're driving. Driving towards Quantico. Back here. And my heart leaps into my throat, are you coming back to us, to me? Or is that too much to hope for.

_What'd you think?_


	12. Chapter 12

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_This is where it could get a little confusing…look out for the names above the actual writing for who's POV we're in at each bit :)_

**_Morgan_**

I keep on driving, heading for my old apartment, glad it wasn't sold yet. My mind is on you and only you and I don't even try to stop it, I no longer fear what I feel, I now embrace it. It is a part of who I am, I suppose, and I cannot just stop. I love you too much. Clooney bounds through the door the second it opens, flying through the rooms in search of his basket and his toys. None of them are here. The whole place is bare and yet, as I stand there, it is so full of memories.

That place is filled with wonderful memories: from team gatherings to you and me just hanging out. Your laughter rings out through the empty rooms, I can still feel the energy you always brought to a place and I breath in, the true musty smell being masked by my emotions and instead I can smell the aromas of the take out we always ordered and the delicious scent of the perfume you always wear, and I smile, my first proper smile in quite a while. Even memories of you soothe my wounded heart, and I wonder why I thought that thinking of you could ever hurt me more.

I think it's because now I have accepted my love for you, have admitted it to myself and to my family, voicing it aloud, making it real. It doesn't hurt so much. Or maybe I've just gotten used to it?

I fed Clooney the left-overs my mum gave me, and I do the thing that scares me most in the world right now, I get back in the car to go over to yours.

_**Garcia**_

I watched that little red dot as it approached Quantico and followed the familiar route to your apartment, and my heart is hammering in my chest, threatening to push through my rib cage. You're back, you're really back. You're in Quantico, you're less than 3 miles from me. I want nothing more than to be where that red dot is, to see you, to talk to you. To convince you to stay.

I can't take my eyes off of the screen as the red dot is moving once more, leaving your apartment building and turning right. You could be coming here. My heart leaps, but I stop it before it can soar, you could be going anywhere. But my mouth goes dry when it follows the usual route you take to my place. You really are coming here.

I no longer know what I should do. My heart is leaping with joy while my brain is paralysed by fear, what are you doing back? Why did you leave? So many questions that I want to ask, so many answers I want to know. Except I don't think I want to know them if they are not the ones I want to hear.

I shut the laptop over, watching the dot get closer is only paralysing me further. I take in a shaky breath, I no longer know quite how I'll react when I see you: will I get angry or will I want to hug you and never let you go? I honestly don't know. One thought plagues me: how could you just leave me?

_**Morgan**_

I take the familiar route to your place, following the streets on auto pilot as in my mind I see many images of you. Kevin no longer mars my memories, I am no longer worrying about him. You are with him, I know that, I have accepted that, I am not here to break you up. I just need to tell you how I feel, I owe it to myself to get it out of my system, to stop it from eating away at me.

As I turn into your road and find a spot across from your door I take a deep breath, readying myself for what I'm about to do. My heart skips a beat as it registers just how close you are now, and I draw in another calming breath before I turn off the engine and step out on to the tarmac. I look up at your window, remembering all the times I have been stood here like this before; I remember the fear I felt when told you'd been shot, I remember how you cried when Battle came back, I remember telling you that the blood washes off, but in reality it never does to those who know it was once there. I remember the long chats and the 'picnics' we had in the small courtyard, the movie nights, the time I told you I loved you and you said it back. I also remember sitting in my car across the way, too scared to cross the road and face you, you always could read me like a book, but not so much since Kevin's been around. He eclipsed me, but now I want your undivided attention for just five minutes, then you can do whatever.

I shake my head, admonishing myself for momentarily getting my hopes up before I cross the road and enter the familiar courtyard. I take my time, knowing that if I come charging in there you'll probably knock me out. I use the key you gave me what feels like so long ago now to let myself in. I take the stairs two at a time, my heart rate increasing.

I still just before I go to knock, what if Kevin's there? I hadn't thought of that and I curse myself for my stupidity.

I raise my hand to knock anyways, my arm shaking slightly as I rap my knuckles on the wood and the knock sounds in the hallway. I'm here now, I'm not going to leave without telling you.

* * *

_What'd you think? What'd you think about the switching POVs?_

_I know…I stopped there…it was the best place for it…he next one's MUCH longer…and pretty much done…_


	13. Chapter 13

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM. _

_Watch out for those names again :)_

_**Garcia**_

After closing my laptop I began to pace the living room, what are you coming here for? Are you really back? Why did you leave? Are you going to leave again? How could you say goodbye? There are so many questions and yet I worry that I won't be able to ask any of them. I know how my heart will react to seeing you, but it's my mind I'm worried about. I don't want to screw this up but although my heart knows it loves you my brain is still mad.

The knock sounds at the door and my heart flutters. This is it.

_**Morgan**_

I hear you coming towards the door and I take in another deep breath, preparing myself for the worst, preparing myself for you to slap me, shout at me and not let me in.

You musn't have looked through the peep hole, the door is opened too quickly and my breath catches in my throat as I see you. Your curls framing your face perfectly, your red glasses glinting in the light, the eyes behind them cautious, as if not really sure it's me. You look absolutely stunning in your joggies and t-shirt, even though I know you in a sack would still look gorgeous to me. You didn't invite me in, you didn't even open the door any further, but you didn't slam it in my face either.

"I'm sorry." I manage to say softly, my eyes beseeching you to let me continue. You cock an eyebrow at me in question and I wonder if that's a good or a bad sign.

"You left. You left without saying a word." You say finally, the hurt evident in your voice and your eyes flash with some of that Garcia anger I knew would come at some point.

"I know, and I'm sorry." I say, my eyes never leaving yours.

" '_I'm sorry'_ is that all you can say?" You ask, a bite to your voice and anger evident in your stance and I know that I need to explain, but that is exactly what I am here to do.

"I can explain. I am here to explain." I say, my walls are still crumbled heaps and my words come out as nothing but honesty. I have no use for denial or lies anymore, they are what got me here in the first place, to the point where I was so broken I had to leave. But then it also brought me back, back to put it right and to help me get closure, to let you go and to allow you your happiness with Kevin. Although even the thought of him with you still turns my stomach in a frenzy of jealousy.

You don't move, don't say a word, you just continue to glare at me, and I take your silence as a prompt to go on, even if it was intended as the opposite. I am here now, I am not leaving without explaining.

"I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye." I start and I see the hurt and anger flash in your eyes as I say those words. "I couldn't say goodbye, I-"

Those words seemed to trigger something and you stopped me with:

"You _couldn't _say goodbye? I was your _best friend _and you couldn't even spare me _two minutes _to say goodbye. You left it for a _phone call." _

You're angry, and I understand your rage, it's completely justified. In response I stand up straighter, my resolve to tell you has strengthened.

"I was in love with you." I said simply, amazed that I managed to get the words out so easily. You blink, once, twice, three times and I continue. "How was I supposed to say goodbye to you when seeing you broke my heart because I knew I could never be with you?" I questioned, my voice stronger now. You still stand just looking at me, as if stunned by my admission. It is a bombshell though so I don't blame you.

I am still in the hallway, but where I am doesn't matter, as long as I tell you. "How was I supposed to say goodbye to you and watch as you moved on? It hurt so much to see you with Kevin, how he was now your lover_ and _your best friend_._ I no longer had a place in your life. I walked away. I wish I could say I did it for you, but I didn't, I did it for me. I couldn't be around you any longer. I loved you too much to watch you with someone else when all I wanted was to be with you."

You look like you are about to interrupted but I stop you.

"No, let me get this out. Then you can yell and scream, hit me, slam the door on me, delete me, set Kevin on me, I don't care. But you are going to let me finish." I said firmly, lying through my teeth: of course I would care if she did any of those things, it would crush me, destroy what was left of my heart and leave me with nothing. "I've loved you for so long, I just couldn't tell you what it was that I was feeling. I wanted to protect you, to keep you safe, to make you smile, to make you laugh. I wanted to be with you. But you had Kevin, you had your Mr Right, and I was just the friend that was deluding himself. I had to get out or I was going to completely break down. You no longer saw me, you couldn't see past him. We stopped hanging out, you stopped with most of the nicknames, but when you did still use them it felt like another piece of my heart broke away. You were so caught up in being happy that you didn't see that I was miserable, that I was falling apart before your very eyes."

"I didn-" You began, but again I cut you off, I needed to get this out now before I ran out of steam.

"You were my best friend but you were slipping away from me and I couldn't stop you because you couldn't even see me." I said, the hurt evident in my voice now as my emotions began to run into overdrive. "It hurt to leave, but it was the only way I was going to survive. I needed to go. I knew if I'd spoken to you your presence alone would have stopped me from leaving and I couldn't let that happen if I wanted to remain semi-intact. I've loved you for the longest time Pen and my life's a better place for it but I can't pretend anymore. I need you to know that you are the most beautiful, smart, wittiest, funniest, sexiest woman I have ever met and…and I love you Penelope Garcia." I said with feeling, tears welling in my eyes.

I let out a ragged breath and it was obvious I was near breaking point.

"I…I…" you stuttered. "I don't know what to say." I guess you weren't expecting that explanation.

"You don't have to say anything, I came to do what I needed to do." I said beginning to turn away, not wanting to hear you rejecting me. "I wish you all the happiness in the world Penelope." I said softly, turning and heading down the stairs, the tears now falling down my face.

_**Garcia**_

You…you…love me. The words you were saying made no sense, you couldn't love me. You are Derek Morgan, you don't fall in love with geeky techs, you have infatuations with skinny models. But you were so upset, the hurt obvious in your voice. I couldn't ignore it and the thing was it was all true: I let my friendship with you fall to the wayside. I didn't see that you were crumbling, falling into an abyss. I wish I had. I wish I had noticed, but I didn't. But it wasn't my fault entirely, you didn't say anything. I still have so many questions that I need answered.

'_I love you Penelope Garcia.' _

I didn't hear anything after that line, you had finally said the words I had secretly longed for you to say since we first met. And yet I could do nothing but stand and stare as your emotions came on full display, the level of hurt I saw in your eyes cut me down. I had caused this. And then you began to turn away and my body refused to move, my lips making silent words, no sounds escaping them.

I wanting nothing more than to shout out, to call you back and tell you I loved you, that I was sorry for not noticing your pain, for letting us slip apart. I was as much at fault in that part as you.

But I couldn't.

My heart was swelling in terror as I heard the door slam shut at your back. The weight of the situation caught up with me: if I let you get back in your car I would never see you again.

I couldn't let that happen, I still had questions you needed to answer and I had something I needed to tell you.

As it sunk in, I sprinted down the stairs, flinging the door open and running into the night, your name sounding from between my lips: "Morgan! Morgan! Derek, wait!"

_**Morgan**_

I heard you call my name and my heart sore while my body froze, this was too good to be true. You could not be chasing after me, what was going on?

I turned slowly, chancing a glance behind me. So it wasn't my imagination after all, you were really and truly running after me. I turned the rest of the way around, watching you as you ran towards me.

You stopped just over an arms length away and you bit your lip nervously. You didn't say anything. Neither did I.

That's when you saw the paths the tears had made down my face and I saw the change in you instantly, your confidence seemed too radiate from you as you stepped closer to me. I stood transfixed as you moved into my personal space. I could smell your perfume and as I saw the glint in your eye as you spoke:

"I love you too Derek Morgan."

I couldn't believe my ears, not daring to believe it in case it was my imagination playing a horrible trick on me. But when I looked into your beautiful eyes I saw that what you had just spoken was the truth and my heart ballooned with happiness. I did the first thing that came to me. I kissed you.

My lips crashed on to yours hungrily and yours replied in type. You tasted of cherries and your lips were soft and welcoming as the kiss continued. I didn't want this to end, I was too afraid that it would all turn out to be a dream, and a horribly cruel dream at that. I put all of my feelings into that kiss, pouring my soul into you as my heart began to piece itself back together with every single touch of your lips against mine.

When we eventually broke apart we both gulped greedily at the air that we had starved our lungs of, but our bodies remained against each other, revelling in the others' closeness.

"What about Kevin?" I asked as an afterthought. What a way to spoil the moment, but I had to ask, it couldn't be avoided.

"He doesn't matter any more Hot Stuff, he's gone." You said with a grin and I smile back at your use of one of our familiar nicknames.

"Good." I said, wrapping my arms around you, hugging you tightly. "I love you Baby Girl, I'm so sorry for leaving like that, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you before then." I whispered into your curls, and you squeezed me tighter in response before untangling yourself from my embrace, taking my hand and leading me inside.

"I'm sorry for not seeing you Derek, for not seeing my best friend was in such a bad place, for not noticing that I was pushing you away. But there are a few things I'd still like you to answer." You said with a small, slightly nervous smile.

"Anything for you Goddess." I replied, bringing your hand up to my lips and kissing the back of it softly before dropping our hands back down and pulling her to my side as we walked up to her apartment.

_What'd you think?_

_One more chapter my lovely reeaders...felt I had to have some team reaction in there..._


	14. Chapter 14

_OK, so I had to do a little add on, couldn't quite bring myself to end it there._

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM._

_**The Next Day…BAU Offices…9am**_

_**Morgan**_

We spent last night talking, talking through it all and my walls remained down, every question you asked was answered with pure honesty. I gave you all the answers you wanted, and even though some of them may have hurt a little to hear, I had to tell you it all. No keeping anything back.

It's 9am and I'm walking into the building I left behind and I find that I missed even just the feel of this place. This place is as much a part of me as my family home is. You're already in your office and I smile at you as I pass on my way into the bullpen.

I take a deep breath before opening the doors and I step into the familiar hustle and bustle of first thing in the morning pre-briefing.

"Morning Morgan." JJ says as she walks past me, her arms full of files before she does a double take, rather theatrically, her head snapping around. "Morgan?!" The files are flung unceremoniously on to the table and she hugs me, and I don't quite know what to do. Everyone is staring now.

"Hi JJ." I say as she pulls back. "I missed you too." And I smile cheekily.

"Wait! Does she know you're here? What are you doing back? Are you back for good?" She fires questions at me as Emily and Reid come towards us, both eagerly awaiting my answers.

"Yes; I came to tell her; and yes." I say, keeping my answers short and to the point.

"You told her?" Reid asks, happy I finally listened to him.

"And it went well." Emily points out, noticing the happiness that must be radiating off of me by now.

"That it did." I say with a large smile on my face. JJ and Emily screeched like excited school girls as they fire every question under the sun at me and Hotch and Rossi's head poke out from around their doors. I don't have time to answer the girls' questions as Hotch's voice sounds across the room:

"I take it you sorted it all out then?" I nod in reply. "Good." He says, his voice stern and he begins to go back into his office but he stops and turns and adds: "Good to see you back Morgan." and a small smile tugs at his lips. The team laugh and that's when I notice the tall blond man sitting on what used to be my desk watching us with obvious curiosity. I nod my head in greeting before turning to JJ and Emily and saying: "She's in her office if you want to go and get all the juicy details, I have some catching up to do." I say inclining my head Reid's way.

"You may not be able to get your job back yet." Reid said as the girls left.

"I'm ok with that kid. I got a lot of catching up to do."

**_Garcia_**

Sitting in my office when I know you're here, just around the corner is killing me and I can hardly keep myself sitting here. I want to see you back in the bullpen, like it was before but I stay in my office and I am glad I did when Emily and JJ come in, massive grins on their faces and their eyes sparkling with relief and curiosity.

"Sooo..." They chorus, watching as I do nothing but smile at them. "What's the story?"

And I smile coyly and tell them it all: of how broken you were and how I finally realised it; of how angry I was at first but upon seeing you it disappated; of how we kissed and how when you said those words I felt my heart balloon with happiness; and how when the same words left my lips I knew that this was it. I was 'all in', that you are the guy for me and I only wish I had realised it sooner.

**_Morgan_**

Later that night as we sit and eat dinner at your kitchen table and Clooney sleeps below our feet I am so glad that my mum and sisters convinced me to come back, so glad that I actually had the courage to knock on your door and finally get the words out. So glad that you didn't slap me, slam the door on me or delete me, instead you replied in kind and told me you loved me, and I couldn't ask for anything better. I now have what everyone searches for: someone who I love unconditionally and who loves me back. And I intend to keep it that way, for the rest of my life.

**The End**

_And that's it, finished, no more...finally got them a happy ending :) Did you honestly think I could make it a sad ending? :P_

_Thanks for the reviews, I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to pass on your thoughts. Also thanks to those that have read it, I hope you have enjoyed it! Thanks to those who let me bounce ideas off them…it helped…a lot! _


End file.
